i'll be loving you.

The R House

2012-02-22T09:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sure most of you who follow adoption blogs have been to The R House. She's an adoptive mother and she blogs about...well, life. I was reading one of her posts from way back in 2007 (very soon after she adopted her oldest son, Tyson) and found this analogy.

www.therhouse.com/the-car-analogy

Shouldn't it always be about what's best for the CHILD?

Glee

2012-02-14T07:36:00.001-08:00

I used to watch Glee. It's been stupid since the middle of the first season, but I enjoyed the music.

THEN they started this ridiculous adoption story line. It annoys the CRAP out of me. Adoption is a beautiful thing and it's made my life what it is. I don't appreciate some over popular trashy show dragging such a wonderful thing through the mud.

Stupid Glee.

2011-12-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

I was featured on birthmom buds! Check it out HERE!

Maybe a Little Bit Guilty

2011-12-08T06:45:00.001-08:00

When people find out I've placed they often say things like "Wow, what an amazing thing you did" or "You're a very strong person". I can't help but feel a little bit guilty about these statements.

Yes, I loved my unborn child in ways I can't describe. My world revolved around her. There was nothing more important to me than her health and finding the perfect family for her.

Yes, when I placed I felt hurt and pain and a sorrow that was all consuming. I missed my baby girl so much I thought I would die from the emptiness.

Yes, I still love Samantha with a strong and unique love. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, that prayers aren't said for her and her wonderful family.

Here's where the guilt comes from: It was good for me. I learned so much about patience, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, selflessness and love. When I placed Samantha I wasn't only giving HER the best chance at life, I was giving ME the best chance for a future. I was able to go away to school (which is how I met my wonderful husband). I was able to work and save and learn and grow.

My decision to place was absolutely based around what was best for my child, but I can't deny that it was good for ME too. So am I so amazing for placing? Maybe not. But I am grateful I was given the strength to do it.

A Birthday

2011-11-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

This post will be picture-less, so I don't expect you to get through it. :D

Samantha turned 6 in October. It is hard for me to believe that my beautiful baby girl is now a six year old kindergartner. How did that happen?!

The week before her birthday Mike came from California to see her. I do not forget that I am blessed to have a good man to call Samantha's birth father. We don't talk often, but when we do there is no animosity or awkwardness. It's just good to see him.

We ate and talked and played the Wii that Mike bought the family last year. Ava is getting old enough to play and so Samantha has finally developed some interest in her. She loves how Ava says her name (vava) and starts up with that contagious giggle every time she can get her to say it. I love that laugh, I hope she keeps it forever.

The next week, for her birthday, my parents were able to go with my husband and I to have dinner with them.

I'm grateful for Samantha's familiy who welcome us into their home, for a husband who loves them as much as I do, for parents who support and love me and for a birthfather who cares enough to come from California to see her.

Walk With Me

2011-11-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'll be there, will you?!

Wear orange and come walk with us. I'd love to meet more of you!

Hooray for National Adoption Awareness Month!

Am I crazy?

2011-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a mess as of late. My feelings can't seem to get themselves together.

I stopped by The E's (I wont post their last name...I suppose I should give them SOME privacy!) the other day. First of all, can I tell you how much I love the fact that I can just "stop by" their house? I don't do it often, for the same reason I don't do it often to ANYONE. I don't want to interrupt their schedule or catch them in the middle of something. ANYWAY, I stopped in at their house and lucky me, Becky, Alex and Sam were home!

I only stayed about 15 minutes, but it was SO good to see them. As mentioned in my last post, it had been about six months since I saw them last. This was the first time Ava was old enough to play, and she had a blast with Becky's girls.

I was bummed I didn't get to see Ivan, but Samantha's birthday is coming up so I figured I would see him soon. However, I ran into him just a couple of days later at the grocery store! There is a Dick's grocery store just down the street from my house and it so happens that it's just down the street from E's house as well. Have I mentioned I live maybe a mile away from them?

I loved getting to see all 4 members of this lovely family in the space of only a few days.

Now...on to my crazy feelings...

I am sad! Why am I sad?

Maybe because the tiny baby girl I placed is turning SIX in a couple of weeks? That would make any kind of mother a little sad, right?

Maybe it's because seeing Alex and Sam play together makes me realize I want another one, and we're really not in a place right now where that is possible.

Maybe it's because I am hurting for all of the women I know who are unable, or currently unable, to have children. I know some seriously amazing women who struggle with infertility and I hurt for them.

Well, I will just boost up that saddness by remembering that I am blessed with two amazing little girls, an incredible adoptive family and a beautiful open adoption.

Up's and Down's

2011-09-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

I figured out that I have a harder time posting when I haven't seen Sam and her family in a long time. It's been almost six months which is the longest amount of time I've gone without seeing her cute face since the day she was born. There's a hole in my chest. I miss her.

I also quit going to "group" at LDS Family Services. Not for the same reason, but because I feel the girls there don't take it seriously. They sit and gossip and talk about the newest jeans and who is dating who and I get so frustrated. I'm there to be supportive and to talk about adoption. If it's going to turn into a "mean girl" club, I'd rather be at home with my husband and baby. I need to start going back. Even if there is only one girl there that needs someone to listen, I want to be there for her.

No matter my ups and downs, I love adoption.

Day Two, FSA Conference

2011-08-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Day two of the 2001 Families Supporting Adoption Conference went much better for me. My friend Sterling and I went to a presentation given by two birthfathers. I thought they were both very honest about the way they dealt with things. I wish Mike could have been there, they need more "good" birthfathers around.

I can't believe I didn't take any pictures. Well, yes I can...I never take any pictures. I wish I would have though. This year I met Lindsey from The R House (link on the right) and got to know Jessa from Birthmothers 4 Adoption (link on right) better, so that was fun. I also had a blast at the GNO the R House hosted on Thursday night and wish I would have gotten pictures with all the girls I blog stalk!

Last, but not least, here is my most recent picture of Sam. Her Mom texted this to me when she lost her first tooth! Yay Sam! :D

Day One

2011-08-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

It is 2 a.m. and I can tell you, the one thing I want right now is SLEEP! However, after half hour of laying awake I came to terms with the fact that I would not be catching those elusive Z's until I got some of this down on "paper".

Today was day one of the National FSA Conference.

Hmmmm...

I have attended this conference the last two years and I have loved every single second of it. Each time I have met new people, run into old friends and gained such a huge respect for this amazing world that is adoption. This year I got my Mom to come with me and I couldn't wait to share in this with her. I am sad to say I left today feeling...different.

The last thing I want to do on this blog is hurt feelings or offend anyone, but there are things about this year that I am having a hard time with.

One, I went to an adoptee panel. There were for adults on this panel and they did a great job. However, all four were adopted as infants, all four had closed adoptions, all four have yet to find their birth parents, all four are happy with their adoptions and grateful to their birthmothers. This is wonderful...but I really would have liked to hear another point of view. I know there are adults who were adopted at birth that now share relationships with their birthparents and it would have been interesting to me to hear about how that came to be and their feelings.

Two, one of the women who sat on the adoptee panel also taught the next class I went to. To be frank, I felt as if I were sitting through the same class twice. Don't get me wrong, she was a good speaker and she's funny and interesting, but many of her thoughts were the same. Half way through the second class I was frustrated because I felt like I was hearing everything twice.

I went to a "What Adopted Children Need From Their Birthparents Class" and left feeling like this issue had hardly been discussed at all. I DID gain useful information from this class, but maybe not the information I had been expecting. However, one thing that I thought was very helpful was something Valerie said. She said "the one thing I crave from my birthmother is to hear that she loves me and she's proud of me". I love Valerie, I'm a huge fan. :D

At the banquet, which is always amazing, the table in front of me talked straight through dinner...and the speeches...and the awards. Other than the videos the showed about the AMAZING people that awards were presented to, I know very little about what went on there. :(

One highlight of my day was seeing Jared. Jared was my very first case worker when I learned I was pregnant. I moved home shortly after, but for that small window of time he held me together and made me realize things would be ok. I love seeing Jared every year and this year I got to introduce him to my Mom. Awesome!

I go into tomorrows day of conference with an open heart and with hope. I am praying that I am able to get what I need out of it and more fully enjoy my day. I know the members of FSA put SO much work into it and I love them for it.

Adoption is awesome.

Q and A

2011-07-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

I got an email at illbelovingyou@hotmail.com the other day. It was from a birthmother I have never met who placed not too long ago. She asked me how I made it through the first year.

Oh my, the first year. I wish I could take the hurt out of the first year for all birthmothers. However, I believe that hurt made me stronger. It's all in how you deal with the pain I suppose.

Well, my bMom friend...let me tell you the truth.

I don't know how I made it through the first year. Certainly with support. I had amazing family and friends and a group at LDS Family services who let me talk it out and cry it out and sometimes scream it out. Also, I am blessed to have an AMAZING adoptive family. Truly, I don't know what I did to deserve them. I saw my sweet Sam often through the first year. They were always willing to let me hold her and love her and I would go home with my hands and clothes smelling like her. I realize not all bMom's have this in the first year, and if you don't...stick with the support.

Also, I think it's important to let yourself be sad if you feel sad. It's ok. Just don't let it take over. If you are too sad to get out or meet up with friends or do whatever else needs to be done...then it's time to find that support.

Also, know that there are lots of us, like me, who are more than willing to email you, chat with you, whatever you need.

Try birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com. There are some amazing bMom's linked to that site, I think you'll love it.

That's all I have for you, I hope I helped. Good luck.

Birthmothers Day

2011-05-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

Birthmothers Day is coming up on Saturday. I know there is controversy around having a seperate day for BMom's and I can see why. We're mothers, why can't we be celebrated on Mothers Day like everyone else? BUT...it's hardly the end of the world and personally, I'm grateful that there is a day set aside to honor us. We did a hard thing.

In honor of Birthmothers day, may I just say...I LOVE being a birthmother. It's interesting to me because becoming a birthmom is not something I would wish on ANYONE. I can not begin to describe the pain I went through to get to this place. It was hard and long and lonely. However, I have a beautiful little girl to show for it and my family circle added 4 new people. I love Sam's family and my life wouldn't be as full without them.

It's been almost 6 years since this sweet face became part of my world. She gave me something to live for. I wouldn't be me without her. Love you Sam.

Alex.

2011-04-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a long, heartfelt post about Alex.

Alex is Samantha's older sister. She is also adopted.

After finishing this long, complicated post, I deleted it. I'm not sure why. I guess some of it might have been too close to my heart, some of it too private to share.

But I will tell you; I love her very much. Also, someday I hope that her birthfamily might be a little more involved and she can be at peace with that part of her life.

Today Alex was baptized. It was beautiful. She's beautiful. You've never met a more honest, active, fun girl. I am lucky to know her. I'm also lucky that she lets me and my family be part of her life. She has acepted us. She seems to especially like my Mom and my step Dad. There are pictures she drew for them hanging on their fridge.

Today, I am grateful for Alex. Beautiful, strong, smart Alex.

It's Official!

2011-04-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

It is official, I will be presenting at this years national FSA conference. I am so excited and I hope everyone can come!

Just the Same

2011-03-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

My Mom found this poem in the April 2011 Ensign. I love it.

Just the Same
By Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes-
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes-
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, Just the same.

Sometimes-
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother's
arms and love grows.

Sometimes-
God sends a child
From heaven to another's arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

How true. I have full faith that adopted children, placed into the homes God meant them to be in are loved just the same as a child who is born into their forever family. My husband and I hope to adopt some day and I have no doubt we'll love that child the same way we love Ava.

Also, I was wondering if any of you could give me advice. As I said, my husband and I would like to adopt someday. I don't even know where to begin. ANY advice or tips? You can comment here or email me at illbelovingyou@hotmail.com Thanks!

New Laws?

2011-02-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

Reading Birthmothers4Adoption today I found out about a new law that Oregon is trying to pass.

I think it's ridiculous.

You can read more about it here.

If you feel passionate about this, write them and tell them. Personally, I feel they are wrong to try to take so much of the choice out of adoption.

Hooray!

2011-01-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

I know it's months away, and I know I sound lame but...

I am so excited!

The 2011 Families Supporting Adoption Conference is being held August 12th & 13th in Layton, Utah. This will be my third year going and my second year being involved in the planning/process. This conference is filled with classes for birthmom's, pregnant girls who are still deciding, birth grandparents, adoptive couples, hopeful adoptive couples and everyone else who is involved in the wonderful world of adoption!

Free for birthfamilies.

I would love to see you all there. I would love to meet those of you I haven't met!

Why I love open adoption.

2011-01-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Why do I love open adoption?

Because, when you run into your daughter and her family and Iggy's you can sit down and catch up like the friends that you are, no awkwardness.

Sam is so cute. I'm glad she got her pillow pet for Christmas!

Christmas!

2010-12-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it went fantastic. Sam's Mom made an awesome breakfast, Ava behaved, presents exchanged. I had a great time.

Sam telling Mike about the pictures he got for Christmas. I loved seeing them together. I think she's very lucky to have both her birthparents in her life. Also, Sam's beautiful sister Alex. We love her!

They look so much alike. Mike loved her laugh, which is something I always comment on as well. It's so contagious and she uses it often!

visit.

2010-12-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

Samantha's Birthfather is coming from CA to visit her this weekend.

It's been about 4 1/2 years since I have seen him. We communicate, rarely, through text and facebook, but I have not seen him face to face since my adoption was still new and fresh in my mind.

Things are so different now. I'm happily married, I have a child and Samantha is just a normal part of my life now. One I love. :)

It will be...interesting. I'm looking forward to it!

Once Upon A Time

2010-12-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

As usual I was having a hard time deciding what to get Samantha and her older sister for Christmas. Reading birthmothers4adoption I learned about Once Upon A Time, an adoption story. I had to have it! It came in the mail yesterday and I just love it. I would suggest it to any one who loves adoption. Find it HERE!

the end.

2010-12-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

National Adoption Month is over. I didn't quite complete the 30 posts in 30 days challenge, but I posted a lot more than I usually would have, and I got to read a lot of great posts from others. I love all the new blogs I have discovered through comments and other adoption blogs.

Thanks for a great month!

question.

2010-11-29T08:18:00.001-08:00

Another question from a hopeful adoptive couple.

How does having an open adoption help the birthparent heal?

Good question. I have thought long and hard about how to answer. I can only give my own opinion based on my own experience, maybe other birthparents will be willing to share their answers.

Some days, my heart breaks all over again. Some days I miss Sam so much that it consumes me. Some days are hard. What gets me through those days? KNOWING that she is happy. KNOWING that she is loved. KNOWING that she is cared for. I can picture where she sleeps, eats, plays. I've jumped on her trampoline with her, I've read books with her on her living room couch, I've shared meals with her at her kitchen table.

Also, I don't have to wonder if her parents love her, because I see the way they look at her, the way the speak to her and treat her. I don't wonder if she gets along with her older sister because I've witnessed the way they act like best friends.

KNOWING helped me heal. I don't have to worry so I was able to move on.

birthparents.

2010-11-24T07:01:00.001-08:00

I was asked a question I'd like to respond to publicly.

What are we, as potential adoptive parents, supposed to call Birthparents?

There was more to the question than this, but that about sums it up. First of all, we are all different and we all have our own ideas. When Samantha's parents introduce me to people they call me her birthmom or birthmother, which I am just fine with. However, I know some girls have a problem with the word birthmom and I'm sure they have their reasons. What I would suggest is ASKING. Communicate with her and ask her what she would prefer. Some like "first mom" or "tummy mommy". Just keep it respectful and we should be just fine.

This made me think...

It is my opinion that some people are just TOO sensitive. You know what? I AM a birthmom and Samantha's parents ARE her adoptive parents. I often call them adoptive parents and it's in NO WAY meant to be negative. I'm just trying to keep things less confusing. Samantha's parents are aware that I refer to them this way and we have no problems. But, like I said, we are open with each other and we communicate. communicate, communicate, communicate. Can't stress it enough.

Adoption Spam

2010-11-22T07:59:00.000-08:00

This story makes me so sad. I'm glad the R House blogged about it. I want to help spread the word to save potential adoptive families from hurting.

Click here for the sad story.

an answer.

2010-11-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

the other day i was proudly wearing my families supporting adoption t-shirt, like i often do. for the first time i had someone ask me why i was wearing it. i've never been asked this before and i didn't have a quick reply. i told her "i'm a birthmother".

she said "i don't know what that means."

oh goodness. what do you say to that? I said "I placed a baby when I was a teenager."

she continued to give me a blank look.

she did not understand what I was telling her until I said the words "illegitamite" and "gave up." THIS is why we must educate people. we should be able to talk about adoption to people using the words "placed" and "birthmother".

She was very nice about it and I didn't get any sort of negative reaction...at least there is that!

The Birthfather

2010-11-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Sterlings post "Ode to Birthfathers". What a fantastic post! Sterling is one amazing woman and her writing skills are impressive. That post got me crying...and thinking.

Samanthas birthfather is amazing...but it was definitely a journey.

Mike and I broke up early March 2005 after dating for more than six months. We just weren't in the same place anymore. I remember the actual break up clearly. I wont get into all that, but I do remember telling him just before I walked away from him that I thought I was pregnant. I also remember his response very clearly. He said "If you are, we will deal with it together."

A couple weeks later I learned that I was almost 10 weeks along and more than anything I was scared. At about 2 a.m. I drove over to Mike's apartment, woke him up and told him I was pregnant. (This part has become fuzzy to me. I was upset and it was late and I think I have changed some of it in my head so I don't sound like such a crazy face.)

The next few weeks Mike was on and off. He was already dating someone else but he did ask me to marry him and I have to give him credit for that. He wanted to make things right. However, I knew that we weren't meant to be married and I told him no. I told him I was planning on adoption and he told me he wanted to be involved. He was on, he was off. Finally I got sick of begging him to care and chasing him down and I let him go.

I moved back home in May and with four hours between us I was able to move on with my pregnancy plan with support from family and friends. Mike and I spoke ocasionally during the next few months, but he was not involved in the process by his own choice. He didn't tell his parents and at the time I was hurt and angry that he was getting away with this without consequence while I was dealing with it head on.

Now, none of this makes Mike sound like a great person, but he is!

This is what I figure. We were young. Too young. We weren't in love, we weren't meant to be married and we weren't ready to be parents. He dealt with it how he knew how.

Now, he's an amazing birthfather. Really, Samantha is very lucky to have him. He hasn't missed a birthday, he came to her blessing all the way from California! He sends her presents and Christmas cards and heartfelt letters that she will be very grateful for someday. We talk once a year, on her birthday and I respect the man he's become.

So today, i am grateful for Mike, who is an amazing birthfather.

lucky girls.

2010-11-14T13:55:00.000-08:00

Thursday was a pretty normal day. I went to work, picked up Ava from the sitters, went home, played with the baby and started on dinner before my husband got home.

He walked in the door and zeroed right in on Ava. I watched him pick up his daughter, swing her around and tell her "I missed you baby! I thought about you all day at work."

I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter has a father who can't wait to come home to her. I'm also grateful that Samantha, the beautiful girl I placed 5 years ago, also has a father who loves her. If not for my choice to place her with her family, she wouldn't have anyone swinging her in the air after work at night.

Thank you Dad's.

rain.

2010-11-12T06:53:00.001-08:00

Stole this picture from Stefanie's blog. She's fantastic. I hope to meet her someday.

Think this about sums up the adoption experience for me.

Famous Adoptions

2010-11-10T06:43:00.001-08:00

MSN is my homepage and I kind of browse it every morning before starting work. Today I saw this post in honor of national adoption month and I thought it was kind of cool!

FAMOUS ADOPTIONS

birthmother love.

2010-11-08T08:38:00.000-08:00

“If a mother and father can love more than one child then why is it so hard to understand that a child can love more than one mother and father?”

~ Unknown

Thanks Amanda for this quote!

Adoption Walk!

2010-11-07T06:24:00.000-08:00

Utah families walk Liberty Park to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month - KSTU

Click this link to watch our little news story! On the original TV verison you can see me, but not this one. Oh well, enjoy! (and GO JESSA!)

Adoption Month!

2010-11-05T06:50:00.001-07:00

November is national adoption month and we have been challenged to blog about adoption every day.

Obviously I have missed a couple of days. I'm having a hard time. It's been 5 years, I am still at peace with my decision to place, but for some reason I am missing her more than usual, thinking of her more than usual. Why?

I keep hoping that it will pass and I will be able to get on with my happy adoption blogging. Any advice?

Birthday Girl.

2010-10-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

She's 5! That makes 5 years that I've been a parent, and 5 years that I have been unwavering in my faith that placing her for adoption was the right thing to do.

I love you Sam.

Birthday

2010-10-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today is Samantha's birthday. My beautiful little girl turns 5.

For the first time in a long time, I'm having a very hard day. This heartache is hard to bear, and I'm grateful I haven't had to do it alone.

Despite my own greif, I'm happy she is where she is.

I love you Samantha.

quote.

2010-09-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is a quote I used in the stake conference talk I gave last month.

"As part of Heavenly Fathers plan of redemption, you experience adversity during mortality. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness and heartache are a difficult part of life, but they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress as you turn to the Lord."

Whether you are a religious person or not, the point of this quote is quite true. Challenges, when faced head on and solved correctly can make you a better person.

I think this pertains to everyone involved in the world of adoption.

Samantha turns 5 in less than a month. Where did the time go? She'll be in school at this time next year! Man, I love that kid.

Hoping To Adopt

2010-09-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

There is a couple I blog stalk and so far they are unable to have children.
I will, of course, leave out their names for the sake of their privacy.

My heart goes out to them.

These are two of the cutest people. I love to read about them. They're interesting and funny and fun. They deserve a family, just like so many others out there who want kids.

I don't know if adoption is an option for them, but I hope they have or will consider it at some point, because they would certainly be wonderful parents.

I realize that adopting can be expensive, and that's why a lot of the couples who adopt are in their late 20's to late 30's before kids come into their lives.

I was wondering...has anyone come up with a way to raise the money for adoption? Some kind of "fundraiser" if you will? I'm curious...I've had ideas flying through my head but I don't know if any of them are possibilities. Or if this is do-able? Or if it would be tacky?

Please Please Please, if you read this post, comment. I need your ideas!

Questions?

2010-09-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

Are there any questions I can answer for you?

I know a variety of people read this blog from time to time. New Birthmothers, Old Birthmothers, Adoptive Couples, Hopeful Adoptive Couples, Friends, Family, etc.

Do any of you wonder anything about adoption? Me? My feeling about my couple? About my daughter? Anything at all?

Feel free to email me, comment me, facebook me your questions. I'll do my best to answer openly and honestly.

You Will Be Okay

2010-09-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been reading quite a few birthmother blog posts about how hard it is sometimes.

I agree.

It's been almost 5 years since I placed my beautiful little girl into the arms of another family and some days I still miss her so much I think it will tear me apart. Samantha is smart, she's beautiful and she has this incredibly infectious laugh that I just can't get enough of.

She looks like me.

Her skin turns brown in the sun, she never sunburns. Just like me. She's easily frightened. Just like me. Her eyes are such a dark brown they're often called black. Just like me.

She's mine.

But not like she's theirs, she belongs with them. She fits perfectly into their little family mold, she's exactly where she's supposed to be.

And sometimes that hurts.

Especially as I watch my gorgeous four month old grow up. As she passes each new milestone I can't help but wonder how my oldest reacted to these same situations. Did she make disgusted faces at her first taste of rice cereal? Did she giggle all the way through bath time. Did she love to sing along with her parents too?

What else did I miss?

But then I think of how good it is. How good it is that she has a sibling near her age. How good it is that she was able to be sealed to a Mom and a Dad. How good it is she was given everything she needed, from a roof over her head to all the clothes she could ask for. How good it is she's happy, and she's loved and she's safe.

It is good.

I hope those birthmothers know that feeling sad and alone and empty is normal for most of us. I hope they realize that it will get easier, even when that dosen't seem possible. I hope they are aware of how much they have touched others lives.

You will be okay.

Scholarships for Birthmothers

2010-08-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

I get the feeling that very few people read this blog, and very infrequently. However, I found this awesome site that awesome Jessa put together and thought I'd share it on here in hopes that SOMEONE would go look at it. This girl is hardcore, I need to get with her and see how I can help.

http://scholarships4birthmothers.info/

If you are interested in donating anything for the yard sale (on the off chance that anyone reads this) let me know and I'll come to you, I'll get it to her, I'll do it all! You can comment me here or feel free to email me at xxluvya@hotmail.com.

That is all.

Guest Blogger

2010-08-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm officially a "guest blogger". I told my story, in very short version and it's posted on birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com.

Feel free to comment or email me with questions.

If any of you birth mom's read my blog and don't want to start one of your own, I would love to add YOU as a guest blogger, feel free to email me your story or any thoughts!

Yay :D

Open Adoption Bloggers

2010-07-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been added to openadoptionbloggers.com. I'm honored! There are some amazing blogs on there.

Yesterday and today I was lucky enough to attend the FSA Conference. What a great time! I love being surrounded by advocates for adoption. I also saw a lot of people (mostly caseworkers) that I hadn't seen in YEARS and I got to meet a lot of new birthmothers. Some of them whose blogs I've been following for quite awhile now. I loved putting faces to their stories.

Davin was able to come with me all day today and he helped with Ava a lot, which was nice. He was also on a panel, "husbands of birthmothers". It's so important to me that birthmothers who haven't found a good man to marry know that they ARE out there and they WILL accept you for who you are!

I can't wait to help out next year!

My Heart is Full

2010-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

My heart is full this week. I don't know where to start.

Adoption is on my mind. Last year I was able to go to the FSA Conference in Layton and it was such an amazing thing for me. I loved so much being surrounded by these amazing women who had placed children for adoption and become so much more because of it. These are strong, good people who I learned from and admire.

I have made goals since that conference and work towards them every day:

To let people know that adoption can be a beautiful, saving thing.

To help where I can and to be an example to girls who might be in a situation similar to the one I was once in.

I made it a goal to be involved with the 2010 FSA Conference and I made that goal come true!

I share my story when I think it will help, and I support those who choose both adoption and single parenting. I realize it's not my place to judge.

This year I will be on a panel, "Ask a Birthparent". I hope I can be open and honest and portray my feelings well for those who need to hear them. Davin has also been an amazing support to me with my involvment in the world of adoption and he will be on a panel as well. He's going to do "Husbands of birthmothers". This was one of my favorite panels last year, even though I was already married to a wonderful man. These men are so supportive and prove to girls who are still looking for someone to share their lives with that their still worthwhile and they deserve a good man.

I've met so many people lately who have adopted children or who are adopted or who have placed a child. I love hearing different stories and how they affected peoples lives.

As Davin and I have been preparing to go to the temple to be sealed together as a family we met with our stake president. He asked me to share my story with him, from my depression, to my fathers death, to Samantha's birth and how I ended up marrying Davin and making our temple goal. When I was finished he asked me to speak in stake conference next month. I can't tell you how nervous I am, but I feel it's a prayer answered (even if not quite the answer I was going for...) because I'm always praying that my experiences can benifit others, and maybe save others from the pain of choices I made.

While adoption is only one part of who I am, it's an important part. Thanks for listening...or reading. I know what's so important to me isn't important to everyone, but I can't help but write my feelings, help lighten my load.

Love,

Alli; a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a birthmother.

Fishing With Samantha

2010-07-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today I got to spend time with Samantha, her mom and her sister. We took them fishing. I love open adoptions and I'm so lucky she has such an amazing family who is so accepting of all of us!

Today she was looking at "Baby Ava" and she was telling me how someday she'll have babies and grandkids. Then she goes on to tell me how maybe some of them will have birth mom's. "You know, like how I grew in your belly cause my Mommy's was broken." So cute!

I love this girl.

Blessing Day

2010-07-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sam 4/2006

Ava Belle 7/11/2010

Mike, me and Sam 4/2006

Ava was blessed yesterday. Davin did a wonderful job blessing her and it was a wonderful day.

As I was sitting in sarament meeting after her blessing I looked over at Samantha and her cute family and thought back to her blessing day. She was six months old because they had to wait until the adoption was final. She was so cute and it was a beautiful day outside. Mike (birthfather) even came from California.

Samanthas father gave her a blessing and it was that day that I decided I wanted to marry someone that could bless our children. I was so grateful Sam had parents who were able to take her to the temple and a father who could bless her. These were some of the things I wanted for her.

It was hard to remember though. I miss my "Baby Sam". She was so fun and friendly. It's a little harder now that she's older, she isn't as willing to go to just anyone and she'd rather play then cuddle.

But I'm so happy to be in her life, I loved seeing her at Ava's blessing and I'm so happy that her father was able to be a part of both my daughters special days.

Blessed

2010-06-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today I'm feeling how blessed I am to be involved in the world of adoption. I'm very open about being a birthmother and there are people who have received it in negative ways but for the most part it has given me the opportunity to meet and share with people I might never have known otherwise.

Today I talked to a woman who has adopted four children. Her story was amazing. She called me for advice, but I think I learned more from her strength than she learned from me. I do love every chance I get to help though. Whether it's through FSA, or going to group or just talking to people who are dealing with the adoption process.

It's a miracle.

FSA Conference

2010-06-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last year I was able to go to the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) Conference. It was SUCH an amazing experience. I was able to be surrounded by people who had been in my shoes and we were able to uplift and support each other.

This year I have been able to help plan it! I didn't start voulenteering until a couple of months ago, so I haven't done much but I've loved every minute of what I have been able to do.

SO looking forward to July 30th and 31st!

Miracle

2010-06-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in the quiet of early morning and rock my beautiful 8 week old, I finally realize exactly what I sacrificed when placing Samantha into the arms of her parents.

Night feedings are quiet, peaceful times. I feed my child while she stares at me. She trusts me. When she's done I rock her, sometimes I study her face, her fingers, her toes. This amazing little miracle that God has given to me. I missed this with my first born.

Then I think of her Mother. I know that she spent hours with Samantha, just like this. Feeding her child, watching her child learn to trust her. Studying her baby and feeling blessed that God, and her birth mother, gave her that amazing little miracle.

These are things I wasn't ready for, that I wouldn't fully have appreciated at 19 years old. I am grateful for a Mother and Father who were ready, and who God blessed me and my baby girl with. Today, every day, I am grateful.

The Samantha Blog

2010-06-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

In October of 2005 I placed a beautiful baby girl for adoption. This blog will be my ongoing story. I did it for the love of a child.