Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Maybe a Little Bit Guilty
When people find out I've placed they often say things like "Wow, what an amazing thing you did" or "You're a very strong person". I can't help but feel a little bit guilty about these statements.
Yes, I loved my unborn child in ways I can't describe. My world revolved around her. There was nothing more important to me than her health and finding the perfect family for her.
Yes, when I placed I felt hurt and pain and a sorrow that was all consuming. I missed my baby girl so much I thought I would die from the emptiness.
Yes, I still love Samantha with a strong and unique love. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, that prayers aren't said for her and her wonderful family.
Here's where the guilt comes from: It was good for me. I learned so much about patience, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, selflessness and love. When I placed Samantha I wasn't only giving HER the best chance at life, I was giving ME the best chance for a future. I was able to go away to school (which is how I met my wonderful husband). I was able to work and save and learn and grow.
My decision to place was absolutely based around what was best for my child, but I can't deny that it was good for ME too. So am I so amazing for placing? Maybe not. But I am grateful I was given the strength to do it.
Yes, I loved my unborn child in ways I can't describe. My world revolved around her. There was nothing more important to me than her health and finding the perfect family for her.
Yes, when I placed I felt hurt and pain and a sorrow that was all consuming. I missed my baby girl so much I thought I would die from the emptiness.
Yes, I still love Samantha with a strong and unique love. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, that prayers aren't said for her and her wonderful family.
Here's where the guilt comes from: It was good for me. I learned so much about patience, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, selflessness and love. When I placed Samantha I wasn't only giving HER the best chance at life, I was giving ME the best chance for a future. I was able to go away to school (which is how I met my wonderful husband). I was able to work and save and learn and grow.
My decision to place was absolutely based around what was best for my child, but I can't deny that it was good for ME too. So am I so amazing for placing? Maybe not. But I am grateful I was given the strength to do it.
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