When people find out I've placed they often say things like "Wow, what an amazing thing you did" or "You're a very strong person". I can't help but feel a little bit guilty about these statements.
Yes, I loved my unborn child in ways I can't describe. My world revolved around her. There was nothing more important to me than her health and finding the perfect family for her.
Yes, when I placed I felt hurt and pain and a sorrow that was all consuming. I missed my baby girl so much I thought I would die from the emptiness.
Yes, I still love Samantha with a strong and unique love. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, that prayers aren't said for her and her wonderful family.
Here's where the guilt comes from: It was good for me. I learned so much about patience, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, selflessness and love. When I placed Samantha I wasn't only giving HER the best chance at life, I was giving ME the best chance for a future. I was able to go away to school (which is how I met my wonderful husband). I was able to work and save and learn and grow.
My decision to place was absolutely based around what was best for my child, but I can't deny that it was good for ME too. So am I so amazing for placing? Maybe not. But I am grateful I was given the strength to do it.
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Agreed. 100%. There's definitely a part of placing that is for the birthmom, too... We just don't see/feel the immediate results or blessings.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty. I'm a year and a half out from placing and life is JUST NOW turning around for me. And I mean the basics, like a job and health insurance. (A a 1/3 of the salary I was earning when pregnant and considering single parenting) It's not as if when we place, publisher's clearing house knocks on our door and drops off bags of money, or everything in our lives change for the better. I think a better way to describe it is that by placing, a birthparent leaves open the possibility for a better future, leaves open the possibiities that exist for a person who does not have a newborn and uncertain circumstances to struggle with. Such as, accepting a job that may require travel, or being able to live in apartment by themselves instead of living with parents or relatives or sharing a home. I recognize every day that by not raising my daughter, I have more freedoms than if I was raising a 1.5 year old right now but I would give all those up if I could have truly raised her and had the circumstances where she would be completely cared for financially, emotionally, with a father present in her life. So while I do appreciate my "freedoms" I also look at them as opportunities, not guarantees for happiness. The hardest thing in the world is to take that huge leap and trust your gut, in signing those papers, when all of your emotions, heart and hormones are screaming no. Adoption chances the course of many lives- in positive ways, but also in some sad ways. It is how we choose to accept them that count.
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