You Will Be Okay

Lately I've been reading quite a few birthmother blog posts about how hard it is sometimes.

I agree.

It's been almost 5 years since I placed my beautiful little girl into the arms of another family and some days I still miss her so much I think it will tear me apart. Samantha is smart, she's beautiful and she has this incredibly infectious laugh that I just can't get enough of.

She looks like me.

Her skin turns brown in the sun, she never sunburns. Just like me. She's easily frightened. Just like me. Her eyes are such a dark brown they're often called black. Just like me.

She's mine.

But not like she's theirs, she belongs with them. She fits perfectly into their little family mold, she's exactly where she's supposed to be.

And sometimes that hurts.

Especially as I watch my gorgeous four month old grow up. As she passes each new milestone I can't help but wonder how my oldest reacted to these same situations. Did she make disgusted faces at her first taste of rice cereal? Did she giggle all the way through bath time. Did she love to sing along with her parents too?

What else did I miss?

But then I think of how good it is. How good it is that she has a sibling near her age. How good it is that she was able to be sealed to a Mom and a Dad. How good it is she was given everything she needed, from a roof over her head to all the clothes she could ask for. How good it is she's happy, and she's loved and she's safe.

It is good.

I hope those birthmothers know that feeling sad and alone and empty is normal for most of us. I hope they realize that it will get easier, even when that dosen't seem possible. I hope they are aware of how much they have touched others lives.

You will be okay.