question.

Another question from a hopeful adoptive couple.

How does having an open adoption help the birthparent heal?

Good question. I have thought long and hard about how to answer. I can only give my own opinion based on my own experience, maybe other birthparents will be willing to share their answers.

Some days, my heart breaks all over again. Some days I miss Sam so much that it consumes me. Some days are hard. What gets me through those days? KNOWING that she is happy. KNOWING that she is loved. KNOWING that she is cared for. I can picture where she sleeps, eats, plays. I've jumped on her trampoline with her, I've read books with her on her living room couch, I've shared meals with her at her kitchen table.

Also, I don't have to wonder if her parents love her, because I see the way they look at her, the way the speak to her and treat her. I don't wonder if she gets along with her older sister because I've witnessed the way they act like best friends.

KNOWING helped me heal. I don't have to worry so I was able to move on.

birthparents.

I was asked a question I'd like to respond to publicly.

What are we, as potential adoptive parents, supposed to call Birthparents?

There was more to the question than this, but that about sums it up. First of all, we are all different and we all have our own ideas. When Samantha's parents introduce me to people they call me her birthmom or birthmother, which I am just fine with. However, I know some girls have a problem with the word birthmom and I'm sure they have their reasons. What I would suggest is ASKING. Communicate with her and ask her what she would prefer. Some like "first mom" or "tummy mommy". Just keep it respectful and we should be just fine.

This made me think...

It is my opinion that some people are just TOO sensitive. You know what? I AM a birthmom and Samantha's parents ARE her adoptive parents. I often call them adoptive parents and it's in NO WAY meant to be negative. I'm just trying to keep things less confusing. Samantha's parents are aware that I refer to them this way and we have no problems. But, like I said, we are open with each other and we communicate. communicate, communicate, communicate. Can't stress it enough.

Adoption Spam

This story makes me so sad. I'm glad the R House blogged about it. I want to help spread the word to save potential adoptive families from hurting.

Click here for the sad story.

an answer.

the other day i was proudly wearing my families supporting adoption t-shirt, like i often do. for the first time i had someone ask me why i was wearing it. i've never been asked this before and i didn't have a quick reply. i told her "i'm a birthmother".

she said "i don't know what that means."

oh goodness. what do you say to that? I said "I placed a baby when I was a teenager."

she continued to give me a blank look.

she did not understand what I was telling her until I said the words "illegitamite" and "gave up." THIS is why we must educate people. we should be able to talk about adoption to people using the words "placed" and "birthmother".

She was very nice about it and I didn't get any sort of negative reaction...at least there is that!

The Birthfather

I just finished reading Sterlings post "Ode to Birthfathers". What a fantastic post! Sterling is one amazing woman and her writing skills are impressive. That post got me crying...and thinking.

Samanthas birthfather is amazing...but it was definitely a journey.

Mike and I broke up early March 2005 after dating for more than six months. We just weren't in the same place anymore. I remember the actual break up clearly. I wont get into all that, but I do remember telling him just before I walked away from him that I thought I was pregnant. I also remember his response very clearly. He said "If you are, we will deal with it together."

A couple weeks later I learned that I was almost 10 weeks along and more than anything I was scared. At about 2 a.m. I drove over to Mike's apartment, woke him up and told him I was pregnant. (This part has become fuzzy to me. I was upset and it was late and I think I have changed some of it in my head so I don't sound like such a crazy face.)

The next few weeks Mike was on and off. He was already dating someone else but he did ask me to marry him and I have to give him credit for that. He wanted to make things right. However, I knew that we weren't meant to be married and I told him no. I told him I was planning on adoption and he told me he wanted to be involved. He was on, he was off. Finally I got sick of begging him to care and chasing him down and I let him go.

I moved back home in May and with four hours between us I was able to move on with my pregnancy plan with support from family and friends. Mike and I spoke ocasionally during the next few months, but he was not involved in the process by his own choice. He didn't tell his parents and at the time I was hurt and angry that he was getting away with this without consequence while I was dealing with it head on.

Now, none of this makes Mike sound like a great person, but he is!

This is what I figure. We were young. Too young. We weren't in love, we weren't meant to be married and we weren't ready to be parents. He dealt with it how he knew how.

Now, he's an amazing birthfather. Really, Samantha is very lucky to have him. He hasn't missed a birthday, he came to her blessing all the way from California! He sends her presents and Christmas cards and heartfelt letters that she will be very grateful for someday. We talk once a year, on her birthday and I respect the man he's become.

So today, i am grateful for Mike, who is an amazing birthfather.

lucky girls.

Thursday was a pretty normal day. I went to work, picked up Ava from the sitters, went home, played with the baby and started on dinner before my husband got home.

He walked in the door and zeroed right in on Ava. I watched him pick up his daughter, swing her around and tell her "I missed you baby! I thought about you all day at work."

I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter has a father who can't wait to come home to her. I'm also grateful that Samantha, the beautiful girl I placed 5 years ago, also has a father who loves her. If not for my choice to place her with her family, she wouldn't have anyone swinging her in the air after work at night.

Thank you Dad's.

rain.

Stole this picture from Stefanie's blog. She's fantastic. I hope to meet her someday.

Think this about sums up the adoption experience for me.

Famous Adoptions

MSN is my homepage and I kind of browse it every morning before starting work. Today I saw this post in honor of national adoption month and I thought it was kind of cool!

FAMOUS ADOPTIONS

birthmother love.

“If a mother and father can love more than one child then why is it so hard to understand that a child can love more than one mother and father?”

~ Unknown

Thanks Amanda for this quote!

Adoption Walk!

Utah families walk Liberty Park to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month - KSTU

Click this link to watch our little news story! On the original TV verison you can see me, but not this one. Oh well, enjoy! (and GO JESSA!)

Adoption Month!

November is national adoption month and we have been challenged to blog about adoption every day.

Obviously I have missed a couple of days. I'm having a hard time. It's been 5 years, I am still at peace with my decision to place, but for some reason I am missing her more than usual, thinking of her more than usual. Why?

I keep hoping that it will pass and I will be able to get on with my happy adoption blogging. Any advice?