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Maybe a Little Bit Guilty

When people find out I've placed they often say things like "Wow, what an amazing thing you did" or "You're a very strong person". I can't help but feel a little bit guilty about these statements.

Yes, I loved my unborn child in ways I can't describe. My world revolved around her. There was nothing more important to me than her health and finding the perfect family for her.

Yes, when I placed I felt hurt and pain and a sorrow that was all consuming. I missed my baby girl so much I thought I would die from the emptiness.

Yes, I still love Samantha with a strong and unique love. Not a day goes by that she doesn't cross my mind, that prayers aren't said for her and her wonderful family.

Here's where the guilt comes from: It was good for me. I learned so much about patience, the way my Heavenly Father loves me, selflessness and love. When I placed Samantha I wasn't only giving HER the best chance at life, I was giving ME the best chance for a future. I was able to go away to school (which is how I met my wonderful husband). I was able to work and save and learn and grow.

My decision to place was absolutely based around what was best for my child, but I can't deny that it was good for ME too. So am I so amazing for placing? Maybe not. But I am grateful I was given the strength to do it.

A Birthday

This post will be picture-less, so I don't expect you to get through it. :D

Samantha turned 6 in October. It is hard for me to believe that my beautiful baby girl is now a six year old kindergartner. How did that happen?!

The week before her birthday Mike came from California to see her. I do not forget that I am blessed to have a good man to call Samantha's birth father. We don't talk often, but when we do there is no animosity or awkwardness. It's just good to see him.

We ate and talked and played the Wii that Mike bought the family last year. Ava is getting old enough to play and so Samantha has finally developed some interest in her. She loves how Ava says her name (vava) and starts up with that contagious giggle every time she can get her to say it. I love that laugh, I hope she keeps it forever.

The next week, for her birthday, my parents were able to go with my husband and I to have dinner with them.

I'm grateful for Samantha's familiy who welcome us into their home, for a husband who loves them as much as I do, for parents who support and love me and for a birthfather who cares enough to come from California to see her.

Walk With Me

I'll be there, will you?!

Wear orange and come walk with us. I'd love to meet more of you!

Hooray for National Adoption Awareness Month!

Am I crazy?

I'm a bit of a mess as of late. My feelings can't seem to get themselves together.

I stopped by The E's (I wont post their last name...I suppose I should give them SOME privacy!) the other day. First of all, can I tell you how much I love the fact that I can just "stop by" their house? I don't do it often, for the same reason I don't do it often to ANYONE. I don't want to interrupt their schedule or catch them in the middle of something. ANYWAY, I stopped in at their house and lucky me, Becky, Alex and Sam were home!

I only stayed about 15 minutes, but it was SO good to see them. As mentioned in my last post, it had been about six months since I saw them last. This was the first time Ava was old enough to play, and she had a blast with Becky's girls.

I was bummed I didn't get to see Ivan, but Samantha's birthday is coming up so I figured I would see him soon. However, I ran into him just a couple of days later at the grocery store! There is a Dick's grocery store just down the street from my house and it so happens that it's just down the street from E's house as well. Have I mentioned I live maybe a mile away from them?

I loved getting to see all 4 members of this lovely family in the space of only a few days.

Now...on to my crazy feelings...

I am sad! Why am I sad?

Maybe because the tiny baby girl I placed is turning SIX in a couple of weeks? That would make any kind of mother a little sad, right?

Maybe it's because seeing Alex and Sam play together makes me realize I want another one, and we're really not in a place right now where that is possible.

Maybe it's because I am hurting for all of the women I know who are unable, or currently unable, to have children. I know some seriously amazing women who struggle with infertility and I hurt for them.

Well, I will just boost up that saddness by remembering that I am blessed with two amazing little girls, an incredible adoptive family and a beautiful open adoption.

Up's and Down's

I figured out that I have a harder time posting when I haven't seen Sam and her family in a long time. It's been almost six months which is the longest amount of time I've gone without seeing her cute face since the day she was born. There's a hole in my chest. I miss her.

I also quit going to "group" at LDS Family Services. Not for the same reason, but because I feel the girls there don't take it seriously. They sit and gossip and talk about the newest jeans and who is dating who and I get so frustrated. I'm there to be supportive and to talk about adoption. If it's going to turn into a "mean girl" club, I'd rather be at home with my husband and baby. I need to start going back. Even if there is only one girl there that needs someone to listen, I want to be there for her.

No matter my ups and downs, I love adoption.

Day Two, FSA Conference

Day two of the 2001 Families Supporting Adoption Conference went much better for me. My friend Sterling and I went to a presentation given by two birthfathers. I thought they were both very honest about the way they dealt with things. I wish Mike could have been there, they need more "good" birthfathers around.

I can't believe I didn't take any pictures. Well, yes I can...I never take any pictures. I wish I would have though. This year I met Lindsey from The R House (link on the right) and got to know Jessa from Birthmothers 4 Adoption (link on right) better, so that was fun. I also had a blast at the GNO the R House hosted on Thursday night and wish I would have gotten pictures with all the girls I blog stalk!

Last, but not least, here is my most recent picture of Sam. Her Mom texted this to me when she lost her first tooth! Yay Sam! :D

Day One

It is 2 a.m. and I can tell you, the one thing I want right now is SLEEP! However, after half hour of laying awake I came to terms with the fact that I would not be catching those elusive Z's until I got some of this down on "paper".

Today was day one of the National FSA Conference.

Hmmmm...

I have attended this conference the last two years and I have loved every single second of it. Each time I have met new people, run into old friends and gained such a huge respect for this amazing world that is adoption. This year I got my Mom to come with me and I couldn't wait to share in this with her. I am sad to say I left today feeling...different.

The last thing I want to do on this blog is hurt feelings or offend anyone, but there are things about this year that I am having a hard time with.

One, I went to an adoptee panel. There were for adults on this panel and they did a great job. However, all four were adopted as infants, all four had closed adoptions, all four have yet to find their birth parents, all four are happy with their adoptions and grateful to their birthmothers. This is wonderful...but I really would have liked to hear another point of view. I know there are adults who were adopted at birth that now share relationships with their birthparents and it would have been interesting to me to hear about how that came to be and their feelings.

Two, one of the women who sat on the adoptee panel also taught the next class I went to. To be frank, I felt as if I were sitting through the same class twice. Don't get me wrong, she was a good speaker and she's funny and interesting, but many of her thoughts were the same. Half way through the second class I was frustrated because I felt like I was hearing everything twice.

I went to a "What Adopted Children Need From Their Birthparents Class" and left feeling like this issue had hardly been discussed at all. I DID gain useful information from this class, but maybe not the information I had been expecting. However, one thing that I thought was very helpful was something Valerie said. She said "the one thing I crave from my birthmother is to hear that she loves me and she's proud of me". I love Valerie, I'm a huge fan. :D

At the banquet, which is always amazing, the table in front of me talked straight through dinner...and the speeches...and the awards. Other than the videos the showed about the AMAZING people that awards were presented to, I know very little about what went on there. :(

One highlight of my day was seeing Jared. Jared was my very first case worker when I learned I was pregnant. I moved home shortly after, but for that small window of time he held me together and made me realize things would be ok. I love seeing Jared every year and this year I got to introduce him to my Mom. Awesome!

I go into tomorrows day of conference with an open heart and with hope. I am praying that I am able to get what I need out of it and more fully enjoy my day. I know the members of FSA put SO much work into it and I love them for it.

Adoption is awesome.

Q and A

I got an email at illbelovingyou@hotmail.com the other day. It was from a birthmother I have never met who placed not too long ago. She asked me how I made it through the first year.

Oh my, the first year. I wish I could take the hurt out of the first year for all birthmothers. However, I believe that hurt made me stronger. It's all in how you deal with the pain I suppose.

Well, my bMom friend...let me tell you the truth.

I don't know how I made it through the first year. Certainly with support. I had amazing family and friends and a group at LDS Family services who let me talk it out and cry it out and sometimes scream it out. Also, I am blessed to have an AMAZING adoptive family. Truly, I don't know what I did to deserve them. I saw my sweet Sam often through the first year. They were always willing to let me hold her and love her and I would go home with my hands and clothes smelling like her. I realize not all bMom's have this in the first year, and if you don't...stick with the support.

Also, I think it's important to let yourself be sad if you feel sad. It's ok. Just don't let it take over. If you are too sad to get out or meet up with friends or do whatever else needs to be done...then it's time to find that support.

Also, know that there are lots of us, like me, who are more than willing to email you, chat with you, whatever you need.

Try birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com. There are some amazing bMom's linked to that site, I think you'll love it.

That's all I have for you, I hope I helped. Good luck.

Birthmothers Day

Birthmothers Day is coming up on Saturday. I know there is controversy around having a seperate day for BMom's and I can see why. We're mothers, why can't we be celebrated on Mothers Day like everyone else? BUT...it's hardly the end of the world and personally, I'm grateful that there is a day set aside to honor us. We did a hard thing.

In honor of Birthmothers day, may I just say...I LOVE being a birthmother. It's interesting to me because becoming a birthmom is not something I would wish on ANYONE. I can not begin to describe the pain I went through to get to this place. It was hard and long and lonely. However, I have a beautiful little girl to show for it and my family circle added 4 new people. I love Sam's family and my life wouldn't be as full without them.

It's been almost 6 years since this sweet face became part of my world. She gave me something to live for. I wouldn't be me without her. Love you Sam.

Alex.

I just wrote a long, heartfelt post about Alex.

Alex is Samantha's older sister. She is also adopted.

After finishing this long, complicated post, I deleted it. I'm not sure why. I guess some of it might have been too close to my heart, some of it too private to share.

But I will tell you; I love her very much. Also, someday I hope that her birthfamily might be a little more involved and she can be at peace with that part of her life.

Today Alex was baptized. It was beautiful. She's beautiful. You've never met a more honest, active, fun girl. I am lucky to know her. I'm also lucky that she lets me and my family be part of her life. She has acepted us. She seems to especially like my Mom and my step Dad. There are pictures she drew for them hanging on their fridge.

Today, I am grateful for Alex. Beautiful, strong, smart Alex.

It's Official!

It is official, I will be presenting at this years national FSA conference. I am so excited and I hope everyone can come!

Just the Same

My Mom found this poem in the April 2011 Ensign. I love it.



Just the Same
By Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes-
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes-
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, Just the same.

Sometimes-
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother's
arms and love grows.

Sometimes-
God sends a child
From heaven to another's arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

How true. I have full faith that adopted children, placed into the homes God meant them to be in are loved just the same as a child who is born into their forever family. My husband and I hope to adopt some day and I have no doubt we'll love that child the same way we love Ava.

Also, I was wondering if any of you could give me advice. As I said, my husband and I would like to adopt someday. I don't even know where to begin. ANY advice or tips? You can comment here or email me at illbelovingyou@hotmail.com Thanks!

New Laws?

Reading Birthmothers4Adoption today I found out about a new law that Oregon is trying to pass.

I think it's ridiculous.

You can read more about it here.

If you feel passionate about this, write them and tell them. Personally, I feel they are wrong to try to take so much of the choice out of adoption.

Hooray!

I know it's months away, and I know I sound lame but...

I am so excited!

The 2011 Families Supporting Adoption Conference is being held August 12th & 13th in Layton, Utah. This will be my third year going and my second year being involved in the planning/process. This conference is filled with classes for birthmom's, pregnant girls who are still deciding, birth grandparents, adoptive couples, hopeful adoptive couples and everyone else who is involved in the wonderful world of adoption!

Free for birthfamilies.

I would love to see you all there. I would love to meet those of you I haven't met!

Why I love open adoption.

Why do I love open adoption?

Because, when you run into your daughter and her family and Iggy's you can sit down and catch up like the friends that you are, no awkwardness.

Sam is so cute. I'm glad she got her pillow pet for Christmas!