Christmas!

Well, it went fantastic. Sam's Mom made an awesome breakfast, Ava behaved, presents exchanged. I had a great time.

Sam telling Mike about the pictures he got for Christmas. I loved seeing them together. I think she's very lucky to have both her birthparents in her life. Also, Sam's beautiful sister Alex. We love her!

They look so much alike. Mike loved her laugh, which is something I always comment on as well. It's so contagious and she uses it often!

visit.

Samantha's Birthfather is coming from CA to visit her this weekend.

It's been about 4 1/2 years since I have seen him. We communicate, rarely, through text and facebook, but I have not seen him face to face since my adoption was still new and fresh in my mind.

Things are so different now. I'm happily married, I have a child and Samantha is just a normal part of my life now. One I love. :)

It will be...interesting. I'm looking forward to it!

Once Upon A Time

As usual I was having a hard time deciding what to get Samantha and her older sister for Christmas. Reading birthmothers4adoption I learned about Once Upon A Time, an adoption story. I had to have it! It came in the mail yesterday and I just love it. I would suggest it to any one who loves adoption. Find it HERE!

the end.

National Adoption Month is over. I didn't quite complete the 30 posts in 30 days challenge, but I posted a lot more than I usually would have, and I got to read a lot of great posts from others. I love all the new blogs I have discovered through comments and other adoption blogs.

Thanks for a great month!

question.

Another question from a hopeful adoptive couple.

How does having an open adoption help the birthparent heal?

Good question. I have thought long and hard about how to answer. I can only give my own opinion based on my own experience, maybe other birthparents will be willing to share their answers.

Some days, my heart breaks all over again. Some days I miss Sam so much that it consumes me. Some days are hard. What gets me through those days? KNOWING that she is happy. KNOWING that she is loved. KNOWING that she is cared for. I can picture where she sleeps, eats, plays. I've jumped on her trampoline with her, I've read books with her on her living room couch, I've shared meals with her at her kitchen table.

Also, I don't have to wonder if her parents love her, because I see the way they look at her, the way the speak to her and treat her. I don't wonder if she gets along with her older sister because I've witnessed the way they act like best friends.

KNOWING helped me heal. I don't have to worry so I was able to move on.

birthparents.

I was asked a question I'd like to respond to publicly.

What are we, as potential adoptive parents, supposed to call Birthparents?

There was more to the question than this, but that about sums it up. First of all, we are all different and we all have our own ideas. When Samantha's parents introduce me to people they call me her birthmom or birthmother, which I am just fine with. However, I know some girls have a problem with the word birthmom and I'm sure they have their reasons. What I would suggest is ASKING. Communicate with her and ask her what she would prefer. Some like "first mom" or "tummy mommy". Just keep it respectful and we should be just fine.

This made me think...

It is my opinion that some people are just TOO sensitive. You know what? I AM a birthmom and Samantha's parents ARE her adoptive parents. I often call them adoptive parents and it's in NO WAY meant to be negative. I'm just trying to keep things less confusing. Samantha's parents are aware that I refer to them this way and we have no problems. But, like I said, we are open with each other and we communicate. communicate, communicate, communicate. Can't stress it enough.

Adoption Spam

This story makes me so sad. I'm glad the R House blogged about it. I want to help spread the word to save potential adoptive families from hurting.

Click here for the sad story.

an answer.

the other day i was proudly wearing my families supporting adoption t-shirt, like i often do. for the first time i had someone ask me why i was wearing it. i've never been asked this before and i didn't have a quick reply. i told her "i'm a birthmother".

she said "i don't know what that means."

oh goodness. what do you say to that? I said "I placed a baby when I was a teenager."

she continued to give me a blank look.

she did not understand what I was telling her until I said the words "illegitamite" and "gave up." THIS is why we must educate people. we should be able to talk about adoption to people using the words "placed" and "birthmother".

She was very nice about it and I didn't get any sort of negative reaction...at least there is that!

The Birthfather

I just finished reading Sterlings post "Ode to Birthfathers". What a fantastic post! Sterling is one amazing woman and her writing skills are impressive. That post got me crying...and thinking.

Samanthas birthfather is amazing...but it was definitely a journey.

Mike and I broke up early March 2005 after dating for more than six months. We just weren't in the same place anymore. I remember the actual break up clearly. I wont get into all that, but I do remember telling him just before I walked away from him that I thought I was pregnant. I also remember his response very clearly. He said "If you are, we will deal with it together."

A couple weeks later I learned that I was almost 10 weeks along and more than anything I was scared. At about 2 a.m. I drove over to Mike's apartment, woke him up and told him I was pregnant. (This part has become fuzzy to me. I was upset and it was late and I think I have changed some of it in my head so I don't sound like such a crazy face.)

The next few weeks Mike was on and off. He was already dating someone else but he did ask me to marry him and I have to give him credit for that. He wanted to make things right. However, I knew that we weren't meant to be married and I told him no. I told him I was planning on adoption and he told me he wanted to be involved. He was on, he was off. Finally I got sick of begging him to care and chasing him down and I let him go.

I moved back home in May and with four hours between us I was able to move on with my pregnancy plan with support from family and friends. Mike and I spoke ocasionally during the next few months, but he was not involved in the process by his own choice. He didn't tell his parents and at the time I was hurt and angry that he was getting away with this without consequence while I was dealing with it head on.

Now, none of this makes Mike sound like a great person, but he is!

This is what I figure. We were young. Too young. We weren't in love, we weren't meant to be married and we weren't ready to be parents. He dealt with it how he knew how.

Now, he's an amazing birthfather. Really, Samantha is very lucky to have him. He hasn't missed a birthday, he came to her blessing all the way from California! He sends her presents and Christmas cards and heartfelt letters that she will be very grateful for someday. We talk once a year, on her birthday and I respect the man he's become.

So today, i am grateful for Mike, who is an amazing birthfather.

lucky girls.

Thursday was a pretty normal day. I went to work, picked up Ava from the sitters, went home, played with the baby and started on dinner before my husband got home.

He walked in the door and zeroed right in on Ava. I watched him pick up his daughter, swing her around and tell her "I missed you baby! I thought about you all day at work."

I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter has a father who can't wait to come home to her. I'm also grateful that Samantha, the beautiful girl I placed 5 years ago, also has a father who loves her. If not for my choice to place her with her family, she wouldn't have anyone swinging her in the air after work at night.

Thank you Dad's.

rain.

Stole this picture from Stefanie's blog. She's fantastic. I hope to meet her someday.

Think this about sums up the adoption experience for me.

Famous Adoptions

MSN is my homepage and I kind of browse it every morning before starting work. Today I saw this post in honor of national adoption month and I thought it was kind of cool!

FAMOUS ADOPTIONS

birthmother love.

“If a mother and father can love more than one child then why is it so hard to understand that a child can love more than one mother and father?”

~ Unknown

Thanks Amanda for this quote!

Adoption Walk!

Utah families walk Liberty Park to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month - KSTU

Click this link to watch our little news story! On the original TV verison you can see me, but not this one. Oh well, enjoy! (and GO JESSA!)

Adoption Month!

November is national adoption month and we have been challenged to blog about adoption every day.

Obviously I have missed a couple of days. I'm having a hard time. It's been 5 years, I am still at peace with my decision to place, but for some reason I am missing her more than usual, thinking of her more than usual. Why?

I keep hoping that it will pass and I will be able to get on with my happy adoption blogging. Any advice?

Birthday Girl.

She's 5! That makes 5 years that I've been a parent, and 5 years that I have been unwavering in my faith that placing her for adoption was the right thing to do.

I love you Sam.

Birthday

Today is Samantha's birthday. My beautiful little girl turns 5.

For the first time in a long time, I'm having a very hard day. This heartache is hard to bear, and I'm grateful I haven't had to do it alone.

Despite my own greif, I'm happy she is where she is.

I love you Samantha.

quote.

This is a quote I used in the stake conference talk I gave last month.

"As part of Heavenly Fathers plan of redemption, you experience adversity during mortality. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness and heartache are a difficult part of life, but they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress as you turn to the Lord."

Whether you are a religious person or not, the point of this quote is quite true. Challenges, when faced head on and solved correctly can make you a better person.

I think this pertains to everyone involved in the world of adoption.

Samantha turns 5 in less than a month. Where did the time go? She'll be in school at this time next year! Man, I love that kid.

Hoping To Adopt

There is a couple I blog stalk and so far they are unable to have children.
I will, of course, leave out their names for the sake of their privacy.

My heart goes out to them.

These are two of the cutest people. I love to read about them. They're interesting and funny and fun. They deserve a family, just like so many others out there who want kids.

I don't know if adoption is an option for them, but I hope they have or will consider it at some point, because they would certainly be wonderful parents.

I realize that adopting can be expensive, and that's why a lot of the couples who adopt are in their late 20's to late 30's before kids come into their lives.

I was wondering...has anyone come up with a way to raise the money for adoption? Some kind of "fundraiser" if you will? I'm curious...I've had ideas flying through my head but I don't know if any of them are possibilities. Or if this is do-able? Or if it would be tacky?

Please Please Please, if you read this post, comment. I need your ideas!

Questions?

Are there any questions I can answer for you?

I know a variety of people read this blog from time to time. New Birthmothers, Old Birthmothers, Adoptive Couples, Hopeful Adoptive Couples, Friends, Family, etc.

Do any of you wonder anything about adoption? Me? My feeling about my couple? About my daughter? Anything at all?

Feel free to email me, comment me, facebook me your questions. I'll do my best to answer openly and honestly.

You Will Be Okay

Lately I've been reading quite a few birthmother blog posts about how hard it is sometimes.

I agree.

It's been almost 5 years since I placed my beautiful little girl into the arms of another family and some days I still miss her so much I think it will tear me apart. Samantha is smart, she's beautiful and she has this incredibly infectious laugh that I just can't get enough of.

She looks like me.

Her skin turns brown in the sun, she never sunburns. Just like me. She's easily frightened. Just like me. Her eyes are such a dark brown they're often called black. Just like me.

She's mine.

But not like she's theirs, she belongs with them. She fits perfectly into their little family mold, she's exactly where she's supposed to be.

And sometimes that hurts.

Especially as I watch my gorgeous four month old grow up. As she passes each new milestone I can't help but wonder how my oldest reacted to these same situations. Did she make disgusted faces at her first taste of rice cereal? Did she giggle all the way through bath time. Did she love to sing along with her parents too?

What else did I miss?

But then I think of how good it is. How good it is that she has a sibling near her age. How good it is that she was able to be sealed to a Mom and a Dad. How good it is she was given everything she needed, from a roof over her head to all the clothes she could ask for. How good it is she's happy, and she's loved and she's safe.

It is good.

I hope those birthmothers know that feeling sad and alone and empty is normal for most of us. I hope they realize that it will get easier, even when that dosen't seem possible. I hope they are aware of how much they have touched others lives.

You will be okay.

Scholarships for Birthmothers

I get the feeling that very few people read this blog, and very infrequently. However, I found this awesome site that awesome Jessa put together and thought I'd share it on here in hopes that SOMEONE would go look at it. This girl is hardcore, I need to get with her and see how I can help.

http://scholarships4birthmothers.info/

If you are interested in donating anything for the yard sale (on the off chance that anyone reads this) let me know and I'll come to you, I'll get it to her, I'll do it all! You can comment me here or feel free to email me at xxluvya@hotmail.com.

That is all.

Guest Blogger

I'm officially a "guest blogger". I told my story, in very short version and it's posted on birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com.

Feel free to comment or email me with questions.

If any of you birth mom's read my blog and don't want to start one of your own, I would love to add YOU as a guest blogger, feel free to email me your story or any thoughts!

Yay :D

Open Adoption Bloggers

I've been added to openadoptionbloggers.com. I'm honored! There are some amazing blogs on there.

Yesterday and today I was lucky enough to attend the FSA Conference. What a great time! I love being surrounded by advocates for adoption. I also saw a lot of people (mostly caseworkers) that I hadn't seen in YEARS and I got to meet a lot of new birthmothers. Some of them whose blogs I've been following for quite awhile now. I loved putting faces to their stories.

Davin was able to come with me all day today and he helped with Ava a lot, which was nice. He was also on a panel, "husbands of birthmothers". It's so important to me that birthmothers who haven't found a good man to marry know that they ARE out there and they WILL accept you for who you are!

I can't wait to help out next year!

My Heart is Full

My heart is full this week. I don't know where to start.

Adoption is on my mind. Last year I was able to go to the FSA Conference in Layton and it was such an amazing thing for me. I loved so much being surrounded by these amazing women who had placed children for adoption and become so much more because of it. These are strong, good people who I learned from and admire.

I have made goals since that conference and work towards them every day:

To let people know that adoption can be a beautiful, saving thing.

To help where I can and to be an example to girls who might be in a situation similar to the one I was once in.

I made it a goal to be involved with the 2010 FSA Conference and I made that goal come true!

I share my story when I think it will help, and I support those who choose both adoption and single parenting. I realize it's not my place to judge.

This year I will be on a panel, "Ask a Birthparent". I hope I can be open and honest and portray my feelings well for those who need to hear them. Davin has also been an amazing support to me with my involvment in the world of adoption and he will be on a panel as well. He's going to do "Husbands of birthmothers". This was one of my favorite panels last year, even though I was already married to a wonderful man. These men are so supportive and prove to girls who are still looking for someone to share their lives with that their still worthwhile and they deserve a good man.

I've met so many people lately who have adopted children or who are adopted or who have placed a child. I love hearing different stories and how they affected peoples lives.

As Davin and I have been preparing to go to the temple to be sealed together as a family we met with our stake president. He asked me to share my story with him, from my depression, to my fathers death, to Samantha's birth and how I ended up marrying Davin and making our temple goal. When I was finished he asked me to speak in stake conference next month. I can't tell you how nervous I am, but I feel it's a prayer answered (even if not quite the answer I was going for...) because I'm always praying that my experiences can benifit others, and maybe save others from the pain of choices I made.

While adoption is only one part of who I am, it's an important part. Thanks for listening...or reading. I know what's so important to me isn't important to everyone, but I can't help but write my feelings, help lighten my load.

Love,

Alli; a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a birthmother.

Fishing With Samantha

Today I got to spend time with Samantha, her mom and her sister. We took them fishing. I love open adoptions and I'm so lucky she has such an amazing family who is so accepting of all of us!

Today she was looking at "Baby Ava" and she was telling me how someday she'll have babies and grandkids. Then she goes on to tell me how maybe some of them will have birth mom's. "You know, like how I grew in your belly cause my Mommy's was broken." So cute!

I love this girl.

Blessing Day

Sam 4/2006

Ava Belle 7/11/2010

Mike, me and Sam 4/2006




Ava was blessed yesterday. Davin did a wonderful job blessing her and it was a wonderful day.


As I was sitting in sarament meeting after her blessing I looked over at Samantha and her cute family and thought back to her blessing day. She was six months old because they had to wait until the adoption was final. She was so cute and it was a beautiful day outside. Mike (birthfather) even came from California.


Samanthas father gave her a blessing and it was that day that I decided I wanted to marry someone that could bless our children. I was so grateful Sam had parents who were able to take her to the temple and a father who could bless her. These were some of the things I wanted for her.


It was hard to remember though. I miss my "Baby Sam". She was so fun and friendly. It's a little harder now that she's older, she isn't as willing to go to just anyone and she'd rather play then cuddle.


But I'm so happy to be in her life, I loved seeing her at Ava's blessing and I'm so happy that her father was able to be a part of both my daughters special days.

Blessed

Today I'm feeling how blessed I am to be involved in the world of adoption. I'm very open about being a birthmother and there are people who have received it in negative ways but for the most part it has given me the opportunity to meet and share with people I might never have known otherwise.

Today I talked to a woman who has adopted four children. Her story was amazing. She called me for advice, but I think I learned more from her strength than she learned from me. I do love every chance I get to help though. Whether it's through FSA, or going to group or just talking to people who are dealing with the adoption process.

It's a miracle.

FSA Conference

Last year I was able to go to the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) Conference. It was SUCH an amazing experience. I was able to be surrounded by people who had been in my shoes and we were able to uplift and support each other.

This year I have been able to help plan it! I didn't start voulenteering until a couple of months ago, so I haven't done much but I've loved every minute of what I have been able to do.

SO looking forward to July 30th and 31st!

Miracle

As I sit here in the quiet of early morning and rock my beautiful 8 week old, I finally realize exactly what I sacrificed when placing Samantha into the arms of her parents.


Night feedings are quiet, peaceful times. I feed my child while she stares at me. She trusts me. When she's done I rock her, sometimes I study her face, her fingers, her toes. This amazing little miracle that God has given to me. I missed this with my first born.


Then I think of her Mother. I know that she spent hours with Samantha, just like this. Feeding her child, watching her child learn to trust her. Studying her baby and feeling blessed that God, and her birth mother, gave her that amazing little miracle.

These are things I wasn't ready for, that I wouldn't fully have appreciated at 19 years old. I am grateful for a Mother and Father who were ready, and who God blessed me and my baby girl with. Today, every day, I am grateful.

The Samantha Blog

In October of 2005 I placed a beautiful baby girl for adoption. This blog will be my ongoing story. I did it for the love of a child.